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Musings of an Awakening Spirit

Stories, poetry & general musings of Rebecca Haywood, a modern-day Shaman with a penchant for bringing the divine into the human experience.

Opening the Door to our Trauma Self

What opens the door within oneself?
...to peer beyond the veils of protection that we placed in front of our trauma?
…to pierce the heavy silence, the frozen fear, its secrets, its shame?
...and to do this walk that I and so many of us are on, or wish to be on— this walking in both worlds with our trauma self finally risen from shadow and with our guardian self at the ready to embrace her into the light?



Yesterday I invited you to stop weaponizing your trauma self with words like “trigger” and the seek and destroy mentality that comes with them. That is one resistance which keeps us from the essential embrace that unlocks this door. But there is another resistance that we survivors hold— the survivor herself.



I was a proud survivor and a spiritual one at that— so spiritual that I felt confined by this word “survivor”, like it tethered my identity to the past and to that wretched “victim” that none of us ever want to be, especially us spiritual warriors. We are far to evolved for such “smallness”.



Besides, I had done the “work”. I figured I had touched every trauma self possible within me, and if you had read my chapter in Shamanism in the New Millennium, you would think so too. Yet here I am.



Is it a step back? Does it negate the healing I have found or the power that I am? No and absolutely not.



Traumas surface when they are ready, when they bend their ear to the door and know that the ‘coast is clear’. That is when they come out. 



So, no, it is not a step back at all. In fact, when a trauma surfaces, it is an indication that You have bridged that space between You and her, that she trusts You enough to be seen, heard, felt and believed.



It is not a step back, but it can be prompted by taking a step back...

When I wrote my chapter, I retraced every step of my journey—from my bare feet running in terror to the hesitant walk up to Madre Sarita’s door—and as I wrote, I relived it. I brought it back to life within me so that I could tell the story from the inside rather than as the Shaman I had become. The Shaman was merely the narrator in between each trauma self’s passage.



The walking in two worlds had already begun, and in the looking back through those two sets of eyes, I unknowingly opened that door to this trauma. My lil girl was listening even if my ears were still deaf to her knockings. A fitting nine months later, she fully emerged.



So I make this invitation to you, proud survivor and spiritual warrior: go ahead, look back, retell your story, relive your journey. I dare You. Perhaps you too will uncover a missing piece of your trauma self who has been waiting at the door, ready to do this walk with You.

Welcoming our "Triggers"
Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 1

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