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Musings of an Awakening Spirit

Stories, poetry & general musings of Rebecca Haywood, a modern-day Shaman with a penchant for bringing the divine into the human experience.

The Death of Prince Charming

In today's society, the search for true love often trumps the search for God but each is a worthy quest that, with the right map, will bring you to the same place— you. 

I struggled for years in my relationships with men and with God. Though I was raised to be an independent and self-sufficient woman, I secretly sought completion. I pushed and I pulled on their love. The part of me that felt broken and deficient yearned for their love while hiding from it. 

There was a lot of learning and unlearning to be done as I brought my awareness to this tug-of-war in my heart. Ultimately, I had to let go of my outward quest and turn my sites inward to my relationship with myself. I had to become my own True Love and my own source of Divinity. 

And so I buried my ‘Prince’ and burned my ‘Bible’ (metaphorically, of course). It was painful and lonely at first. Every wound of abandonment was laid naked once again, stripped of their defenses. The question of my worthiness hung in the air with no one to answer but me. I felt whittled down to that first broken heart— the one who had answered that question so long ago with an “I am not”.

This was the riddle that I would have to answer correctly if I was to complete my quest. Though I couldn't yet muster the self-love, it was this leap into absolute solitude that lead me there.

With no one to call upon, I learned to be there for myself. I became my own best friend, mother, and lover. No matter the need or question, I became the answer. And I had fun with it, romanticizing myself with solo date nights and spontaneous gifts and flowers. I even placed a photo of myself on my altar as an honoring of my own divinity.

Another practice that took me even deeper was ‘mirror work’. I would sit in front of a mirror with my eyes open and send love to my reflection. At times there were words but mostly it was energetic, and it produced core transformations within me. It forced me to heal self-judgement and expanded my overall capacity for love. 

In the end, by separating from any outward source of love and divinity, I came closer to them because I came closer to myself. Standing in self-love, I could love without need and be loved without hesitation; standing in my own divinity invited God more deeply into me. The tug-of-war was over because I was the only one holding my heart strings.

What is True Now?
The Day the Sun Stood Still

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